Call It Irony...

...considering that post was my last.


There are so many people searching for things that will make them happy in life. Sometimes what they're searching for are simply temporary fixes like a new job, more money, a relationship, or even a new place to live. Some are more permanent things, like a place to start over. Like a new beginning...

It's been over a year and yet as much as I claim to be ever-changing, here I am still sitting in North Carolina. I may be in a very different situation, in a new apartment, in a different job and a college graduate...but I'm still here. I've been thinking all day about what I truly want out of life. Not that, that question can be answered within a 24 hr period. Though one minute I'm happy here, surrounded by new experiences, new friends and new adventures. The next, I feel stuck, surrounded by stressful days and long nights, with family nowhere in sight.

I keep wrestling with the idea of independence versus family. There's such a huge part of me that feels if I move back to Ohio, regardless of where I am, that I have failed. There...I said it. There's a part of me that wants to be young and full of life, independent and adventurous. Then there's the side that wants some sort of stability. I'm not asking for a routine, c'mon now, we all know I hate routines. I just want something to depend on. I think this is the part where I say that I'm struggling with the idea of being young and full of life and acting like a mature adult. If anyone has mastered having the two of them together, please fill me in on how that's possible. I've finally landed a job where I can AFFORD to be on my own, do what I want and travel. I think that's why everything is starting to hit me. No matter how much money you make in your life, it alone doesn't make you happy. It's not so much about making enough money as it is to what you do with it.

I've accepted that as a part of my life, meeting who I've met and traveling to where I've been I will never have everyone I care about in one place at the same time, which I mentioned tonight when talking about this exact same thing. Which is both my blessing and my curse. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions and confusion on my part, feeling as though I'm being pulled in several directions at one time. No one has ever told me "you should be there" or "why don't you try just staying here for now". It's always been up to me. Sort-of a "...just do whatever think will make you happy" type deal. That's all well and good, assuming I knew what would actually make me content. I guess that's what I'm looking for. I am happy, I've been happy for quite a while. I'm just looking for a place to feel content. Somewhere I can actually live my life doing what I love around the people that I love.

Maybe I just figured it out...or at least opened a door into figuring out where I need to be. I guess I'm just getting tired of all of these temporary fixes. I know there has to be a happy medium between my selfishness still while considering those feelings of those I care about. I just have to figure it out.