Internal Struggle

[[I wrote this because I feel a constant struggle as a recent college graduate and I think a lot of people can relate. It’s about a fight within yourself about following your dreams and about what’s the best for you. It’s written as an argument going back and forth within oneself. I’ll let it speak for itself.]]

 

Some things you can’t explain-- no it’s not meant to be,

But it wasn’t too long ago I had all these dreams at my feet.

I gave up everything in hopes they might come true,

But the only thing now I see is no tread left on my shoe.

You can only run so long before you tire from it all,

You’re not given the tools to succeed,

In fact they put you on the edge to watch you fall.

Just how many people will it take to make you see,

That only one you’re hurting is the person you’re trying to be.

These words may be shallow only scratching the surface of your soul,

But when you turn and see there’s no one next to you I hope it makes you feel less than whole.

I’m not trying to get it-- no it’s obvious I don’t understand,

What could possibly be going through your mind when you had the world in your hand.

Too many people settle so I promised myself I never would,

But if losing is this painful then I really wish I could.

Life’s an internal struggle and we struggle through it all,

Make the grades, create the dreams and wait by the phone, don’t miss that call.

That call could be the one that changes your life forever,

But how long is forever when people keep telling you never.

So what are we suppose to do—forget our dreams and follow the norm?

You act like I’m such a bad person trying to weather the perfect storm.

I’m in a constant argument with myself, be who you are and you’ll be fine,

The only problem with that is the world is not just mine.

I have to share it with the pessimists and the optimists just alike,

It’s more than an internal struggle it’s a person to person fight.

How can we make peace when the reality is we’re at war?

Do we do what we need to do because we’ll get what we fight for?

There are no guarantees in life and in the end an education won’t matter,

You better land that job so you can climb the corporate ladder.

I refuse to give up as I have only one life that I call mine,

I’ll do what I need to do and I’ll do it in due time.

The last thing I should worry about is the fact that I won’t succeed,

For me it’s about a fulfillment and not relying on a need for greed.

I realize that that it’s a process and it just won’t happen overnight,

But if you don’t try, no matter what you’ll lose the fight.

Saying Goodbye

I’m wondering if all people go through things like this-- realizing that they have a lot of unfinished business. While I was thinking about it, the best analogy I could think of was a revolving door. Throughout my life, I keep opening all of these doors. Sometimes I’ll peek at what may be behind them, but sometimes I’ll just open them for the sake of opening them. Let that be curiosity or shear boredom, I’m always leaving things open or unfinished; projects, books, relationships. I especially have a hard time closing the relationship doors. I’m not going to lie, that takes a lot of courage to say-- as that could affect a lot of people that are reading this. It’s not that I don’t want to, believe me with most of them, I absolutely 100% want to. But in the way that a couple of them ended, it’s like I’m constantly being haunted by them over and over and over again. It’s that revolving door that keeps slapping me in the face to remind me, “Hey, remember me? I’m still here...”


Ha, I sound like I need therapy. Hardly. Trying to reason things out with another person for me only raises more questions. No. What I need is closure, brutal…honest, closure. I’m not talking about just romantic relations, either. Regardless, I think it’s time to clean out my closet so-to-speak (or write). It’s so hard when there becomes such a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life because of past and knowing to make the future better sometimes they can’t be there. I guess I had better be careful what doors I choose to shut, and that’s what I need to base it on. Despite the past, what about the now? It’s time to get real with what lies ahead. I can’t keep going back to the comfort of what no longer exists for one reason or another. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye, but when it’s over I certainly hope I can find the strength to go.

My Germini Persona (With a few tweeks)

I Found this on-point descirption of a gemini online the other day. For the most part, it's extremelly true. I figured I would let it do my post for today, with a few tweeks...of course.

"A good looking woman with brains, a very interesting person. She has a fast movement and she could not sit still or stand still long. She is able to do many things at the same time and do it fast. If you date her, you will feel like dating many women at the same time. You can not tie her down with the word “Love” because she cares about love but is it not a major factor of her life.


You have to be able to adjust yourself to get along with her many different characters. She is a dreamer and has many dreams. She is eager to learn something new all the time. Even she is the 2 in 1 mixed character type, she is quite lucky in love. You have to put all your efforts to win her affection.

Even when she likes you and wonder about your wit, she will also see and inspect your bad side at the same time, because it is in her nature. She able to keep all kinds of mixed emotions without annoying you or letting you know at all. She can cheer you up by acting like a free little bird. Her conversation will not bore you. She is able to talk to you in any subjects. She can make you feel like you are the luckiest man alive.


She can make you feel like she needs all your care, but once she needs to stand alone, she can stand alone firmly and comfortably. She can be your best buddy and talk to you about anything. She can join all your activities with the same energy that you have. She is a quick a wit person and learn new things very fast. She can see your projects and she can give you good advice. If she thinks you are not sure that you want her for yourself, she will act like your best friend only, a cool woman.


She can easily make a guy fall in love with her. Her multiple changes and many moods is a “Charm” for many men. She can be laughing for 2 minutes and later suddenly quiet. She wants to find only 1 true love and she wants to meet her dream guy. She expects a lot and nearly too much. She is constantly waiting for her knight shinning armor even she is with a steady boyfriend. She can fall in love or fond of someone else while she is with you.


If you break up with her, she will forget you quite fast, because change is in her nature. The Gemini woman breaks more heart than woman in other Zodiac. Because she is a dreamer and always waiting for her knight shinning armor, so her love life can be complex or a mess. She hates to write a long letter, so if you write her a letter and expect a prompt reply, forget it.
Because she has a multiple personality and multiple ideas, so she hates to put them down in written proof. Because she knows what she belief today can be different tomorrow. She could communicate with more than 1 language, a real gifted linguistic. If she wants to tell you any bad comments, she won’t say it straight away, but she will talk to you about many other things and accidentally come to that subject without offending you.


Normally she will not lie. She will work hard and once a while take a long rest. She can get bored and tired with her own surrounding more than at work. She never feels content with her present work, money, or reputations; she will drive to have more. Don’t ask her what is her ultimate contentment for she will not have an answer. Once you get to know her, she will be a supportive person and always be beside you. She has a beautiful dream and she loves to have someone walk side by side with her, together and equally."

Inspired

You know when you get the urge to write because you feel like you just have to get something out? That's exactly how I feel. Problem is...I had no idea what to write. And then I heard this. Exactly what I want to say.

 Turning Tables

''Close enough to start a war,

All that I have is on the floor,
God only knows what we're fighting for,
All that I say, you always say more,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe,

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I cant give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,

Under hardest guise I see, ooh,
Where love is lost, your ghost is found,
I braved a hundred storms to leave you,
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down,

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe, 

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me,

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I cant give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
Turning tables,

Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I'll be braver,
I'll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet,

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me,
I can't give you what you think you gave me,
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables,
To turning tables,
Turning tables, yeah,
Turning, oh.''

-Adele

Put Me on the Road I'm Traveling On

It’s easy to blame the present on the past. In fact, it’s the easiest thing in the world. We fill our entire life with the “what ifs” and “if onlys”, just to think about what life would have been like had we made the other decision. Was I wrong? Should I have done it? Where would I be? What would my life be like?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I have major decisions that lie ahead of me and I’m stuck between the past and the present. Stuck going back over all of the “what ifs” I once considered. It’s funny too, because the decision that YOU make doesn’t simply affect you, but it changes so many other lives. It’s crazy to think if I hadn’t made some pretty vital changes how I would be living right now. Where I would be…who I would be.

I’m happy with life. Happy with my decisions, happy with the who and the what. Some people can’t even imagine flipping that around to 180, but I thrive on it. Change is definitely what keeps me going and I feel like although I’m turning (what feels like an old) 24 next month, now is the time to make things happen. I should feel afraid, uncertain or even hesitant. How I really feel is exhilarated, elated and euphoric. With change comes chance, and I’m going to take it. I’m not asking for opinions, I’m not even asking for support. I’m going to be taking big steps in the months to come. I’ve never regretted anything in my life; I can’t begin to start now…

Epiphany.

Live and Simply.

Two words that can definitely be interchangeable. Do I want to live simply...or simply live?

I feel like most people can do both. I missed that gene/way-of-life/memo. Maybe one day I'll wake up and decide that I want to live simply. Like Amish people simple. Nothing against the Amish at all considering I grew up around many of them, but they got it right.Well, alright maybe not THAT simple. At least living in the same town...city...state...OK hell country would even do.

I can remember moving down to North Carolina and not being scared at all. I knew one person that I was going to school with but aside from that I was at least 500 miles away from the nearest family I have. I thought that was exhilarating. I felt free (not that I was held capture in Ohio). Five years later, I still feel that freedom. I love my independence and my life here. So why does it feel like I'm looking for something more?

I would like to say it's hard imagining living somewhere else. I wish that were the case, but it's not. I love North Carolina but I also loved Ohio and we all saw how long that lasted after graduation.I'm debating once my lease is up (assuming I still want to stay in Charlotte by July) about moving into the city. I live in Charlotte right now, but I want to live IN Charlotte. Jin lives there and I absolutely love going to her apartment. It's in an amazingly ideal location in uptown and close to the Panthers stadium. Actually, it would be ideal if the Panthers actually were worth going to watch. Ok, so ALMOST ideal (sorry Panther fans).

Maybe it's because I'm twenty something (I feel so old), that my heart remains restless. Or, maybe I just need something about living in the city to scare the shit out of me. But right now I feel fearless and like I can do anything. Maybe that's just who I am. Maybe I'm just "simply living" because I know no other way. Maybe this is who I've always been, it was just being masked by something I was trying to be.

Heads/Tails

The song goes something like this...

"Call it in the air,
Heads or Tails,

Heads we go to London,

And try to save the queen,
Tails we go to Paris,

And try our hand at Romance,

Either way we're flying,

And at least I've got a chance,

At least I've got a chance."

Typically I find songs that I hear one time and simply fall in love. With this one, it's head-over-heels. I've been so restless lately. Completely fighting the urge deep within me to travel far, far away. I guess I traveled to PA within the last few weeks but let's be honest...PA hardly counts when it's on business. However it is always nice seeing places that I've never seen before.

Anywho, I don't really know where I get this "urge". I don't feel like anyone in my family has it and if they do, they certainly haven't made me aware of it. I've lived in North Carolina for roughly 5 years now and I feel a big change is needed sometime in the near future. I've moved 10 times in those 5 years and I've only been content for months at a time. I have a feeling small moves around the Charlotte area aren't cutting it. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile. Well...since I wasn't able to go to England.

I don't think I'm considering a move that drastic. I'm just considering something new...something unfamiliar. It's almost an intern struggle, though. I feel as though what life I have built here will be greatly missed. I don't have any family to leave this time, but the friends...the friends I would have to leave just like the ones I left in Ohio.

I want to believe that this is all a part of growing up. Of experiencing life outside of the world we grow up in. The problem is I left that world awhile ago to start another one. I wonder when this feeling will end. How many times do I have to leave what I create to feel content? How many more moves are in my future...

It's time to get personal

The reason for my absence from this blog is because since I was 7 years old I've chosen to write elsewhere. Sometimes I find it appropriate to post to this blog, but mostly I write in a private journal that only 1 person has seen aside from myself...and definitely not in it's entirety. I fell as though it's the one thing in my life that I actually have to myself. I also don't feel as though I need to sensor myself in any way and I can simply write how I feel. And as far as I'm concerned, that's how it should be.

I've decided to give this a chance as a change of pace and see if it's any more beneficial for me for others to see what I'm going through. I have a feeling it's going to be hard for me to "un-sensor" my public blog, but it's worth a shot. So, hurrr goes...

I MUST talk about the amazing, phenomenal, brilliant (ok, you get the picture) concert I went to this past Wednesday where Ari Herstand, Zach Berkman and Ron Pope performed. I've actually never been to such an intimate concert in a small venue before so I wasn't sure what to expect. Needless to say, I definitely prefer it. I literally walked into the Evening Muse on cloud 9 and walked out on cloud 109. Ron's music has gotten me though a lot. I'll never forget first hearing "Drop in the Ocean" and being completely fixated on the fact that he was singing about my life at that exact moment. To see the music that gets you through even the toughest times actually come to life is so surreal. Of course, after listening to Ari and Zach as well I gained even more great music to add to my life's playlist.

It's truly amazing how music gets me through life. How on even the worst days it can make it so much better. Those three are constantly on repeat in my bedroom, my car and at work. If your interested in listening to music with real meaning and to people with natural, raw talent...I promise you won't be disappointed. Check out Whatever it Takes Tour here!