Internal Struggle

[[I wrote this because I feel a constant struggle as a recent college graduate and I think a lot of people can relate. It’s about a fight within yourself about following your dreams and about what’s the best for you. It’s written as an argument going back and forth within oneself. I’ll let it speak for itself.]]

 

Some things you can’t explain-- no it’s not meant to be,

But it wasn’t too long ago I had all these dreams at my feet.

I gave up everything in hopes they might come true,

But the only thing now I see is no tread left on my shoe.

You can only run so long before you tire from it all,

You’re not given the tools to succeed,

In fact they put you on the edge to watch you fall.

Just how many people will it take to make you see,

That only one you’re hurting is the person you’re trying to be.

These words may be shallow only scratching the surface of your soul,

But when you turn and see there’s no one next to you I hope it makes you feel less than whole.

I’m not trying to get it-- no it’s obvious I don’t understand,

What could possibly be going through your mind when you had the world in your hand.

Too many people settle so I promised myself I never would,

But if losing is this painful then I really wish I could.

Life’s an internal struggle and we struggle through it all,

Make the grades, create the dreams and wait by the phone, don’t miss that call.

That call could be the one that changes your life forever,

But how long is forever when people keep telling you never.

So what are we suppose to do—forget our dreams and follow the norm?

You act like I’m such a bad person trying to weather the perfect storm.

I’m in a constant argument with myself, be who you are and you’ll be fine,

The only problem with that is the world is not just mine.

I have to share it with the pessimists and the optimists just alike,

It’s more than an internal struggle it’s a person to person fight.

How can we make peace when the reality is we’re at war?

Do we do what we need to do because we’ll get what we fight for?

There are no guarantees in life and in the end an education won’t matter,

You better land that job so you can climb the corporate ladder.

I refuse to give up as I have only one life that I call mine,

I’ll do what I need to do and I’ll do it in due time.

The last thing I should worry about is the fact that I won’t succeed,

For me it’s about a fulfillment and not relying on a need for greed.

I realize that that it’s a process and it just won’t happen overnight,

But if you don’t try, no matter what you’ll lose the fight.

Saying Goodbye

I’m wondering if all people go through things like this-- realizing that they have a lot of unfinished business. While I was thinking about it, the best analogy I could think of was a revolving door. Throughout my life, I keep opening all of these doors. Sometimes I’ll peek at what may be behind them, but sometimes I’ll just open them for the sake of opening them. Let that be curiosity or shear boredom, I’m always leaving things open or unfinished; projects, books, relationships. I especially have a hard time closing the relationship doors. I’m not going to lie, that takes a lot of courage to say-- as that could affect a lot of people that are reading this. It’s not that I don’t want to, believe me with most of them, I absolutely 100% want to. But in the way that a couple of them ended, it’s like I’m constantly being haunted by them over and over and over again. It’s that revolving door that keeps slapping me in the face to remind me, “Hey, remember me? I’m still here...”


Ha, I sound like I need therapy. Hardly. Trying to reason things out with another person for me only raises more questions. No. What I need is closure, brutal…honest, closure. I’m not talking about just romantic relations, either. Regardless, I think it’s time to clean out my closet so-to-speak (or write). It’s so hard when there becomes such a fine line between wanting to have someone in your life because of past and knowing to make the future better sometimes they can’t be there. I guess I had better be careful what doors I choose to shut, and that’s what I need to base it on. Despite the past, what about the now? It’s time to get real with what lies ahead. I can’t keep going back to the comfort of what no longer exists for one reason or another. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye, but when it’s over I certainly hope I can find the strength to go.