This Thing Called LIFE

 Life.

Go ahead and say it over and over again until it sounds like a weird word. Kind of like "fork". It makes you think, who came up that? Right?

Life. Such a simple, four-letter word that is so...well, not simple? I hear people say all the time, "You better enjoy every day because life's too short". Ironically, it's the longest thing we experience. But that word...life...what does it really mean? What part do you play in this life? Where do you fit into the word? What's your reason for living? What path do you take? What does success in life mean? Am I happy?

I think at some point in life, those questions cross our mind. For me, it was definitely through my mid-twenties as I struggled to figure out who I was and what I wanted, only answering those questions based on what society deemed as acceptable. We look for answers to these questions like they actually exist when in reality, they don't. We fill our lives with meaningless materialistic things because we can. Will fill voids. It's what we do. We look to answers for those questions in religion, traveling, hobbies, work, family and friends. And at the end of the day, if some how we come up short which without a doubt you will, you start looking at yourself. I did.

Life seems like such an easy word, but unfortunately, it's only an easy word in a 5th grade spelling bee. Life is full of surprises. It's full of ups, downs, all the emotions one could possibly think of, trials and tribulations and most of all it's full of change. For there is nothing in life that ever remains constant. As each year passes and we get older by the second, we learn to live and grow in the life we are given and try to make sense of what we believe will make us happy. For me, it seemed always coming up short.

You see, where I struggle with this word has nothing to do with the inability to accept change. I love it. I actually thrive off of it. It also has nothing to do with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows because nothing is perfect. Where I seem to come up short is answering what "I" want and what "I" view as happy. In a society that has no problem telling you how to feel and what defines things like beauty, success, happiness, love and education, no wonder we have trouble figuring out where we fit in. If we don't look like magazine models, get a job where we climb the corporate ladder, have a family before 30, love someone of the opposite gender or graduate from college, we must not be happy. We must not being doing this thing called "life"right.

If I could, I would pack my bags and backpack around Europe for a couple months, truly figuring out who I am and what I value. Many people would consider that "wreckless" and "irresponsible" because I'm almost 27 and should be focused on my career and settling down. I'm sorry, I must not be on the recipient list of these Life email "Memos" that get sent out. Since when does being different and curious mean you aren't successful and responsible? Since when does not being married by 30 or having children mean "you aren't the settling down type"? Since when does staying in a job you hate because you have the ability to advance make you smart and not an absolute dumbass? Who defines these things? Who sets these standards? Who tells you that it's wrong and makes you justify being different?

Life. Yes, it's a complicated word. It's metaphorically long yet absolutely beautiful. When did I realize this? When I stopped caring about what other people thought about MY LIFE and what I was doing. When I stopped listening to the people who said you "can't or "you're doing it wrong". When I started taking care of myself, doing what made me happy and helping other people. When you take a step back, stop judging, stop being negative, stop making excuses, stop putting others down, stop justifying your decisions, stop being the person society says you "need" to be...you figure out your place. I can tell it won't happen over night, it's a long process that fortunately doesn't end. It doesn't matter where you come from, it only matters where your going. And in that, life is a beautiful thing, regardless of what society says.

x

Closure

I'm still in awe at this point I brought myself to.
I opened my heart and soul to see everything through you.
Wishing and believing all of your words were true,
But the actions you spoke I still can't help but to believe that wasn't you.

I get that people change it's a part of day-to-day life,
But why play the games if you knew it was you that I liked.
Forget the word like, it feels so incredibly wrong,
You and I in this situation, the love you said was so strong.

Strong enough to surpass any obstacles in our way--
Who knew that those obstacles would expire one day.
Who knew that one day in the end nothing would matter,
All of those words and feelings you would simply let shatter.
Like dropping a glass on the floor and watching it fall,
Realizing the outcome yet watching me call.
Don't answer the phone, think of any excuse in book,
Don't answer my messages, don't even look.

I can't believe I was so stupid to believe your petty lies,
I just hoped that one day I could actually look in your eyes.
The eyes of the person that said we were meant to be,
Your soul mate, your one, you were everything to me.
Yet you were the one that used those words in our conversation,
Did you just get off on complete domination?
Knowing and hearing I would love you until the end of time,
Were you just joking and laughing on the other end of the line?

I've learned that in life there are lessons to be taught,
I know that heartbreak though is typically something fought.
Maybe it was my fault, maybe I let myself down.
Maybe that's why I'm left picking up these pieces on the ground.
I sit back though sometimes and can't help to think,
What were you really feeling, why did you blink?
Why did you hesitate?
Because you've changed that much?
You're still the person that claimed to long for my touch.
Who's chimed in on my relationships saying these guys weren't right for me,
Constantly telling me it is was you and I that were always meant to be.

Years and years of built up feelings and one very long flight,
I struggled sleeping on the plane through that very dark night.
Built up anticipation and a wondering heart and mind,
Curiosity was killing me and it was killing me in due time.
Almost time to fulfill the promise I made so long ago,
To see you, hug you--but then let you go.
You see I always knew that our relationship in the end couldn't work,
Because it felt like it was built on something that deep down, always hurt.

Does that make me like you, to destroy something we didn't physically know?
To end something to crucial, without going with life's flow?
I think we're both at fault, I blame myself I didn't come then.
I blame you now though, I followed through with my promises when you kept asking me, "you're coming...when?"
I came, I saw, I did what I needed to do,
It just sucks that you only did what you felt was best for you.
"I've changed, I'm not the same person that you used to know",
It would have been really nice knowing that planning my trip around your little show.

Everyone deserves a clean break, a release to forget your past,
But I'll never forget someone putting me on their list dead last.
I know what I want and I know it's better than you,
I know where I'm going and I know what I have to do.
I hope you find what's missing from your life and it completes your empty heart,
But here's to me hoping that you realize you had it from the start.

--AE

Bothered.

I would love to say that I'm resorting back to my past, but...let's be honest here, I've taken my past into my present. Who can possibly relate? Relate to the fact that my heart constantly aches to be free and on my own, completely lost in the adventures of my own emotions--without regard to anything or anyone around me. Searching for whatever I feel is missing in my current day-to-day.

Almost 27 years old and still searching for what makes me happy. While most people are able to find happiness only steps away from where they grow up, my span and search crosses over thousands and thousands of miles. A few states, a giant ocean and even then some.

I struggle with constantly questioning my decisions and my thoughts behind them. Always wondering if I'm making the right ones and what's best for my future. I feel like because of where I grew up, I've been held back and sheltered from so many things. And now that I've gotten a small taste of what it's like to be far, far away, it's all I can think about. With family who can't possibly relate and friends that don't seem to bother, it only pushes me futher and further away.

I've been told over and over again that I'm always searching for something. I'll be content for a small period of time and then all of the sudden want a change. Those are the people that aren't listening. Because if you listened, you would realize I am never content. If your not searching for something, trying to make yourself better, trying to understand this life you have been given...what's the point?
The American, fast paced way of life is the norm. Not taking the time to truly appreciate all that's around you, the small things that make up your day-to-day. Taking the time to wake up and take a deep breath before running to your first morning cup of coffee. Take a minute...breathe...

It's been years my dear...

...for many, many things. Many years since my last blog for one. And honestly, have things changed? No. Not really. So, lets catch up, shall we?

 

Oh my, where to start.

 In my last post I was living in the Queen City. Life was...well, for lack of a better word it just "was". My friends were GREAT, my apartment was amazing and my job... "was". So that's when I decided that I wanted to move back to the great state of OH-IO. And although jobless, I had to change my life. Not long after, Cleveland called my name.



Cleveland was as great as Cleveland could possibly be. I absolutely adored my coworkers and my clients. I worked there for about a year and a half and in that time managed to get promoted and got a chance to truly show what I was made of. I had promised myself while there that no matter what, I would work my ass off, challenge myself everyday and do ME. But...

       Goodbye, Cleveland.

Sometimes...it's just not in the cards. At that point, I knew that for once in my life, I had done everything I possibly could for my career and that the only promnise I didn't keep was to myself. It was my turn to live a little. Have a little fun and truly find out what I wanted in this life. What I've wanted all along.

Hello, Put-in-Bay!

I will never forget the summer of 2013. It was the first summer in my entire life I actually did what "I" wanted to do. It was the first summer I dedicated to my friends (or at least tried) dedicated to saving up money for my TRIP (you'll soon see where) and the first summer that ended exactly (or almost, exactly) the way I wanted it. I'll never forget the amazing people that I met from all around the world who will always be with me in spirit. I had one of the best birthdays I can possibly recall, spending the day after in Cleveland with some amazing people and watching USA Soccer at Browns Stadium, not to mention spending it with my family, which I hadn't been able to do in YEARS!

I wish I could remember every single detail of my summer, but there's a lot of it that's simply just a blur. From two of my best friends in the entire world getting married, attending numerous get-togethers with friends and family, seeing Mumford and Sons with Petra, working COUNTLESS hours back in the serving industry trying to save every penny I possibly could, to trying to remember every single day where I was there...to have fun. Finally, for once in my life, I was able to leave my job at work and really trying to appreaicate the small things for what they were.

Like all good things, summer started to wind down and these people who I had spent hundreds of hours with this summer, people I considred family, started leaving one by one to go back to Uni and their jobs in their home countries. My friends from the states started to go back to their jobs here and I was still on this small isand trying to figure out what in the HELL I wanted to do with my life. I knew by the time October had come around there was still one thing that I was looking forward to. One HUGE thing. One thing I had honestly made this life change for.

Oh yeah...that trip I was talking about.

 

I had literally been waiting almost 5 years to the date for this trip. It all seemed so surreal. That moment I walked into the airport to get my passport stamped and knew that within hours, I would finally have my feet where they should have been all along.

 

 I'll never forget the exact moment I looked down, after the sun at just come up only minutes before and seen not the ocean anymore, but land. It was an incredibly long red-eye trip from Chicago to London. In fact, I really didn't sleep the entire way. My mind had gone over everything that had happened in the past 6 years that had led up to this moment. In fact, 5 years ago when I was suppose to come over for school I can imagine how my thoughts would have been so different. That time, I would have been completely alone, traveling into a world I really knew nothing about. And now, to have one of my best friends by my side to venture with me in a place I had never been, but felt so familiar. It was definitely the trip of a lifetime. 

 

Coming back, I had said that it was clear that my future was in the states. For the time being, that may be accurate. But if I was being completely honest, in a year, that's probably and out-right lie. Only time will tell...

 Now, I'm in Ohio. I'm home, close to many of my friends and family who have been nothing but supportive in the past years. I have an amazing  job with the American Cancer Society that I wouldn't trade for anything right now and I think I've finally figured out what and who I want to be. All though I'm ever-changing, the truth is there are still some things that I can't seem to let go. Some things that seem to be such a huge part of my past and of who I am, that if I completely lost them it is I who would be lost.


  For now, I'm back, focusing on my career and how I can make a difference with this life that I have. But don't get it twisted, I'm still the same person I was 5 years ago. For unfortunately that, will never change.